Don't say I didn't warn you - and I know a billion people

I apologise in advance for my emotional ineptness... no wait. I don't. I don't apologise because it has cost me countless dollars (and when I say dollars, I really mean South African Rand but everyone's all "WTF's a Rand?") and hours of work time to drink and pop pills to suppress the demon that is known as "all feeling".

I find myself detached from all that calls itself human. I have cabin fever, I think, from the long hours at home. Why? I am Frodo Baggins. Yes.

You know the part in the fil-m (the first one) where everyone's all "the dark lord will kill us with his teeny-tiny ring that fits onto a hobbits finger" and then decide to send someone to unknowingly propel their being into the pits of that mountain with the really complicated name. Then all of a sudden Frodo's like "I'll take it".

That's me. Everyday is a council with random people for even randomer companies going "who wants work that pays peanuts and praise, and will require you to evade orcs and climb volcanoes and that will make you want to paper cut your jugular raw?" Then like a gay, hobbit I jump up and scream "I'll take it" and now I'm detached.

Shit.

I have friends telling me their father's died and others telling me they having trouble focusing on anything but the grave and all I can think about is "what was that guys name from that thing?" I know. I'm a prick. But it's your fault because you haven't made me famous yet. I'm almost completely certain fame will make me happy and relate to other people.

So here's my plan. I'm going to make 7 billion anthrax-envelopes and distribute them to everyone, that way I become king of the world by default. Yup. This is a final goodbye to you. Sorry you can't join me in JL World where the hills are made of peaches and we (which is really reduced to I) have rivers of cream.

Candyfloss clouds fill the sky while rainbows of candy and pots of gold chocolate (I don't know) form roads to beds of strawberries.

You weren't cool enough to make me famous so you'll have to die. I write this to you now so that you have a fighting chance against my anthrax. I have trained it to hone in on people who aren't me, so you're all dead. In about a week. I'm also warning you so that it's more fun for me to watch from my Nazi blimp as all the little people run away from envelopes. I am also warning you because I actually like you (especially if you're reading this still) and don't really want you to die, but some things can't be unmade - like Sauron's mood ring and my anthrax.

Okay, that's all. Just wanted to warn you.

PS I won't kill my girlfriend because I could get lonely so I'll only make 6,999,999,999 envelopes.

PPS Also my mom, because she likes me even though I'm a prick. But she also likes my brothers, who I seem to have an affinity for and her husband who does nice things for her, which really makes me happy so I'll only make 6,999,999,995 envelopes.

PPPS I also like my sister-in-law, so she can stay too, and Michy and Collega and Kirsten. They my friends. Cami's cool too and Sergio plays guitar which is awesome. We need music. Gill writes good, sometimes gooder than me, so she can stay but because I like her Saul will have to stay even though we never met, but he makes Gill happy which makes me happy - so Saul if you stop making Gill happy you die. That means I have to make 6,999, 999,988 envelopes.

PPPPS Ooh, I forgot Cullen and Shaye, who needs Simone to be whole person, and she'll want Frans to stay too, and if Frans and Cullen stay then Warren must live as well and then JP and Anton must survive for the group to be complete, but then so must Matthew because he lent me Tomb Raider Legend (which is still in good condition so don't panic - 5 deep breathes quick). Also Laiken because she does the counting and Jason coz he still has photos of me being the Joker. And then Chad and Heidi coz we drink wine together and laugh at Chad who must be alive to be funny for us and then there's my gran and aunt on boths sides and my uncle and Ben coz he reads this crap, and maybe SurvivingMyself coz his word vomit is amusing (and obviously his fiance must live too otherwise his musings will be depressed) and Ben sometimes writes there too and then I have to save PEAS coz she makes me feel like a real person, but if I'm going to save people for their amusing banter then I have to save John Barlercorn and his minion people, which means I must save Deutlich too and Jenny The Bloggess.

I think that's it. Oh and YourGirlFriendisUgly and This Typing Makes Me Sound Busy. The rest of you die.

Now I have to program the anthrax to not kill those people, so it looks like another all nighter. Alone. At home. By myself. With Henry.

Shit.

PPPPS If I forgot to mention you and I like you, I'm sorry, you're gona die. But if I really like you I'll cry. Like a lot at the funeral - which will kind of be a mass funeral coz there's like 6,000,000,000 bodies now. Ok. There. Consider yourself warned.