Flea in French is female so they're all lesbinums

So there's this weird-ass grown-up human friend of mine who thinks that because I'm learning French I'm like Google translator who can translate things, like English words, into other things, like French words, a lot like that fil-m with the kid that saved my life in that one weird-ass dream of mine could wave his stick-wand and change things into other things, and with the accuracy and speed of the Potter kid too. I can't.

Mostly because he doesn't ask me translate normal human things into less-normal-but-still-quite-human French things, like "What is 'I love you' in French?" or "How do you say 'I would like some wine'" or even 'Is Dexter really french and does omolette du fromage really mean cheese omelet?'" - No Dexter is some kind of Eastern European genetic experiment, the bi-product of making babies while wearing yellow gloves I think, and yes fromage does mean cheese and funny enough omelet (spelt similar as in the English because it's actually a French word) is in fact an omelet.

No, this weird-ass semi-grown-up human friend of mine asks me things kids would ask me to translate like "how do you say poop in French?" or how do you say "girls have cuties" or even "my left foot fell off and I'm bleeding out the hole at the bottom of my leg, where is the nearest optometrist?" and then he gets the same disappointed look on his face, like a kid, when I respond by going: *confused look*.

You see, this weird-ass semi-grown-up human who's attention span probably didn't last this long into the post friend of mine runs an animation studio and is designing a game or video or just playing on his computer with imaginary characters that replace real people in his mind and wants to give his Monkey and Flea creatures names that really just mean Monkey and Flea in french. So my friend. I give you the following:

Monkey: Singe - pronounced /sanje/ and is typically this:

A big-ass man ape.

You could also say genoun: pronounced /jer'noh/ but that typically refers to:

A big-ass female ape.

(Ok that's actually Manto, but the French know words).

Also he asked me what flea is. It's this thing:


And then in my head I'm like "I think his name stays the same in whatever language coz it's a name." But then I was like, "Oh you mean this flea:"

And then I was going to put a picture
here, but it's kinda gross and I don't
want my blog to have fleas so you can
see what I meant when I said "Oh you
mean this flea:" over here: FLEA

That in French, my weird-ass semi-grown-up human who most certainly is no longer reading this friend is puce. I would like to write the phonetics (pronunciation) out for you but don't know how to make it not sound dirty. I think it's pronounced like the colour - like /pew'ce/ or something.

So there you go. Don't dare say I don't know French or even that I'm not nice to weird-ass semi-grown-up people. And now he owes me and I'm going to tell him to pay me back this Sunday by helping me make graffiti stencils. Woot!

PS I don't want to sound sexist or anything, but the French know the deal when it comes to stuff and they say flea is always female.

PSS Maybe it's just because they are female, all of them and that would make it less of a French thing and more of a biological thing so it's really the Germans making all fleas women.

PSSS That would mean that all fleas are like some kind of sick hermaphrodite lesbinums cultivating fresh soil on your dogs back, like a nation of sickly insect things. *Sick*

PSSSS The friend is the same friend who took my "About You" photo for this blog. It was actually not just for this blog. It was a hero party we went to. I went as the Joker because he's my hero and then I realised that the friend who actually threw the party only threw it so I could get dressed up for my blog photo. My friends rock.